I sometimes think back to my grandfather and the time I spent with him as a young kid.
He was a quiet sort of bloke, never one to make much of a fuss. I remember him pottering around in his garden, tending to his vegetables and looking after the chickens in his coop.
He had a terrific garden. Some of the vegetables he grew were among the best I've ever seen. And the rhubarb! I don't know what he was feeding it, but the stuff was enormous. Whatever his secret was, he certainly knew how to grow a bumper crop.
I loved spending time with him out there. Looking back, what stays with me is how much care he put into everything. He took his time, seemed to enjoy what he was doing, and there was a quiet satisfaction about him when things turned out well. At least, that's how I remember him.
He wasn't someone who needed a pat on the back or to have people tell him what a wonderful job he'd done. I think he was quite content knowing that for himself. And, of course, the rest of us got to enjoy the vegetables and fresh eggs, so we weren't complaining either.
I wouldn't have thought much about pride at that age. It probably wasn't even a word I'd have associated with him. But when I look back on those days, I reckon that's exactly what I was witnessing.
Not the sort of pride that comes from wanting to impress people or make yourself out to be something special. Something much quieter than that.
I've come to think there's something rather important about this kind of pride, particularly for us men. The ability to look at something we've done, how we've behaved, or the way we've lived our lives and feel genuinely pleased with ourselves.
Which raises an interesting question. What does it actually mean to be a man you're proud of?
What do we mean by pride?
Pride is a funny old word, isn't it?
We hear it used in all sorts of ways, and not always in a positive way. When someone is described as being proud, we might picture a bloke who's a bit full of himself. Someone who likes to boast about his achievements, thinks he knows better than everyone else, or has a rather inflated opinion of his own importance.
Growing up in Australia, I remember hearing the term ‘tall poppies’. It wasn't usually meant as a compliment. There was something about appearing too pleased with yourself that didn't always sit well with others.
And while there's something to be said for a little humility, I wonder whether we sometimes take it a bit too far.
After all, what's wrong with feeling proud of yourself?
I don't mean going around telling everyone how wonderful you are. I'm talking about those moments when you can look back on something you've done and think, "You know what? I'm pretty pleased with how I handled that."
Perhaps you've worked hard at something and finally seen it pay off. Or you've had a difficult conversation that you've been putting off for weeks, and while it might not have gone perfectly, you're pleased you found the courage to speak up.
Those moments bring a particular kind of satisfaction.
Psychologists have given some thought to this distinction. They describe two forms of pride: authentic pride and hubristic pride.
Authentic pride is generally associated with effort, achievement, and a sense of personal accomplishment. Hubristic pride is rather different. It has more to do with arrogance, superiority, and an exaggerated sense of your own importance. Research by Dickens and Robins (2022) found that these two forms of pride are associated with personality and psychological well-being in very different ways.
I find it helpful to think about the difference in fairly ordinary terms.
There's a world of difference between saying, "I'm proud of what I've achieved," and "I'm better than everyone else because of what I've achieved."
One is about appreciating yourself. The other is about placing yourself above others.
What interests me about authentic pride is that it doesn't necessarily require some grand achievement. You don't have to earn a promotion, win an award, or accomplish something that other people would find particularly impressive.
Sometimes it's much more ordinary than that. It might be the patience you showed someone who was getting on your nerves, the responsibility you took when something went wrong, or the effort you made to do something differently from how you've done it in the past.
You can also be proud of yourself while recognizing that you could have handled some things better. The two aren't mutually exclusive.
Maybe pride isn't so much about thinking highly of yourself. Maybe it's about learning to appreciate yourself a little more fairly.
What makes you proud of the man you are?
It's an interesting question, and perhaps not one that many of us spend much time considering.
In my conversations with men over the years, I've noticed that it's often easier to talk about the things we're not particularly happy with. The mistakes we've made, the relationships we wish we'd handled differently, or the things we reckon we should have achieved by now.
Ask a bloke what he'd like to improve about himself, and there's a fair chance he'll have a few things to say.
Ask him what he's proud of, though, and you might get a rather different response.
Sometimes there's a bit of hesitation. A shrug of the shoulders. Perhaps even a laugh, as though the question itself feels a little uncomfortable.
I can understand that. Many of us have grown up with the idea that we're supposed to get on with things, do our best, and not make too much of a fuss about ourselves.
But somewhere along the way, I suspect we can lose sight of the things about ourselves that are actually worth appreciating.
I'm not necessarily talking about the big achievements. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being proud of a successful career, raising a family, or accomplishing something you've worked bloody hard for.
I'm thinking about the less obvious things.
Perhaps you're someone who keeps his word. Maybe you've become more patient with your children than your own father was with you. Or you've learned to recognize when you're getting frustrated and can now handle yourself differently than you might have a few years ago.
These things might not seem particularly remarkable. You probably wouldn't mention them at a barbecue when someone asks what you've been up to lately.
But they say something about you, don't they?
And that's where the question becomes more interesting. Rather than asking only what you've achieved, what about the kind of man you've become?
What are the things you already do that leave you feeling good about yourself?
“We spend so much time thinking about the men we ought to be that we sometimes overlook the men we've already become.”
Simon G. Niblock
What if you noticed what's already there?
We can spend an awful lot of time thinking about the gap between the men we are and the men we think we ought to be.
There always seems to be something we could be doing better. Perhaps it's a relationship that needs more attention, something we've been putting off, or a conversation we wish we'd handled differently.
And fair enough. There's nothing wrong with wanting to improve. I'd be a little concerned if we stopped caring about those things altogether. But when we're constantly looking towards what needs to change, it's easy to overlook what's already working.
Think about the last time you handled something rather well. It doesn't have to be anything remarkable. Maybe you managed to keep your cool when someone was getting on your nerves, or found the courage to speak honestly about something that mattered to you.
What was it about the way you handled yourself that you were pleased with?
And here's where things become particularly interesting. Rather than simply telling yourself that you're a patient, thoughtful, or dependable bloke, think about what you actually did that demonstrated those qualities.
What was happening at the time? How did you manage to respond the way you did? What did it take from you?
There's a difference between saying, "I'm a patient person," and remembering a particular occasion when you showed patience, especially when it would have been much easier to lose your rag.
The second gives you something to look back on. A real experience that you can recognize and appreciate. Sometimes other people notice these qualities before we do.
Perhaps someone has thanked you for being there when they needed a hand, or told you how much they appreciated the way you handled a difficult situation. It's easy enough to brush off those comments with a quick "No worries, mate" and get on with the day.
But what if you gave them a little more thought?
What did that person notice about you? Is it something you value about yourself? Can you remember other occasions when you've demonstrated that same quality?
The qualities we admire aren't always things we're still working towards. Sometimes they're already showing up in the way we go about our lives.
And there's some interesting psychology behind this.
In a series of studies involving long-distance runners and university students completing exams, Weidman and colleagues (2016) examined how authentic pride related to achievement and subsequent behaviour. They found that pride could serve as a kind of barometer of performance. When people performed well, they tended to feel greater pride. Among those who performed less well, lower pride was associated with changes in achievement-related behaviour that sometimes contributed to improved performance.
Another study by Williams and DeSteno (2008) found that participants who experienced pride persisted longer with a difficult and rather unpleasant task connected to the source of that pride.
I find these findings interesting because they suggest pride isn't necessarily something we experience only after we've accomplished something. It may also influence what we do next.
Think about something you've stuck with, even when progress was slow. Perhaps learning something new, making changes in a relationship, or trying to respond differently to situations that have troubled you in the past.
There may have been setbacks along the way. Times when you wondered whether you were making much progress at all.
But you kept going.
What helped you do that? What were you doing that made a difference? And when you look back on those efforts now, is there something you feel quietly proud of?
Appreciating what you've done doesn't mean ignoring the things you'd like to do differently. You can acknowledge that a conversation could have gone better while still feeling pleased that you made the effort to have it.
We don't have to rush from one problem to the next without occasionally recognizing what we've already managed.
How might pride change the way you show up?
There's another side to pride that interests me. If we were a little more appreciative of the men we already are, what difference might that make to the way we go about our lives?
Imagine waking up tomorrow feeling just a little prouder of yourself. Nothing dramatic. You haven't suddenly become someone completely different, and all the usual challenges are probably still waiting for you.
But something feels a bit different.
Perhaps you're less inclined to second-guess yourself. Maybe you speak more openly about what matters to you, or find it easier to acknowledge something you've done well rather than immediately brushing it aside.
What might the people closest to you notice?
Think about someone who knows you particularly well. Your partner, a close friend, or perhaps one of your children. If you were carrying yourself with a little more pride, what might they see you doing differently? What might they hear you saying?
And how might that change the way the two of you relate to one another?
I like these questions because they take pride beyond something we simply feel about ourselves. They invite us to consider what it might look like in the way we actually live. Of course, being proud of yourself doesn't mean believing you've got everything sorted. Nor does it mean ignoring feedback, excusing poor behavior, or assuming that your way of doing things is always the right one.
You can appreciate something about yourself while recognizing there might be a better way of expressing it.
Take honesty, for example.
Perhaps you've always valued being straightforward. You don't muck around, and people generally know where they stand with you. Fair enough. But maybe there are times when your directness comes across a little sharper than you intended.
Does that mean you should stop being honest? Of course not. Perhaps it's a matter of being just as honest while showing a little more care in how you say things.
Or consider the bloke who takes pride in being dependable. He's the one people turn to when they need a hand, and he genuinely enjoys being there.
But somewhere along the way, he might have become so accustomed to saying yes that he's forgotten he's allowed to say no occasionally.
He can still value being dependable while learning to recognize his own limits.
We don't have to choose between appreciating ourselves and wanting to grow. The two can sit quite comfortably alongside one another.
In fact, recognizing something you value about yourself might be a useful place to start when you're considering what you'd like to do differently. Rather than focusing entirely on what needs fixing, you might ask yourself what you'd like to keep.
What about the way you already handle yourself matters to you? When does that quality serve you well? And if you were to make a small change, how could you do that without losing the part of yourself you appreciate?
There's no need to have all the answers. Most of us are still figuring a few things out as we go along.
Perhaps that's part of becoming a man you're proud of. Being able to recognize what's good about who you are today, while remaining curious about the man you'd like to become.
A small way to start
If all this talk about pride has got you thinking, here's something you might like to try.
Over the next week, see if you can catch yourself doing something that leaves you feeling quietly pleased with who you are.
Nothing particularly grand. Perhaps you handled a difficult conversation better than you would have a few years ago, made time for someone who needed you, or followed through on something you'd been putting off. It might even be something nobody else would think twice about.
Rather than brushing it aside and getting on with the next thing, give yourself a moment to appreciate it.
What was it about the way you handled yourself that you felt good about? What did you do that made a difference? And what does that tell you about the things that matter to you?
You might find it interesting to jot a few thoughts down at the end of the day. Not as another task to tick off your list, but simply as a way of paying attention to things you might otherwise overlook.
And if you're struggling to come up with something, perhaps ask someone who knows you well what they've appreciated about you lately. You might be surprised by what they notice.
You don't have to agree with everything they say, either. But it might give you a different way of looking at yourself.
I think there's something worthwhile about learning to recognize these moments without feeling the need to dismiss them, explain them away, or immediately move on to what you could have done better. Sometimes it's enough to say, "You know what? I'm pretty happy with how I handled that."
And leave it at that.
Becoming a man you're proud of
I sometimes wonder what my grandfather would have made of all this talk about pride. I suspect he might have had a bit of a chuckle, then gone back to tending his vegetables.
But there's something I've come to appreciate about those days spent with him in the garden.
He wasn't trying to prove anything to anyone. At least, that's not how I remember him. He simply cared about what he was doing, took the time to do it well, and seemed quite content with the results.
Being a man you're proud of doesn't necessarily mean achieving something remarkable, having everything figured out, or living up to someone else's idea of what a good man ought to be.
Maybe it's something a little closer to home.
The way you treat people. The things you make time for. How you respond when life doesn't go quite as planned. The effort you put into something that matters to you, even when nobody else is paying much attention.
There will always be things we'd like to change about ourselves. I certainly don't think being proud of who we are means pretending otherwise.
But what might happen if we spent a little less time measuring ourselves against everything we haven't yet achieved and a little more time appreciating the things we're already doing that matter to us?
When you look at the way you're living your life, what are you already doing that makes you feel proud of the man you are?
And if nothing immediately comes to mind, perhaps think about the people who know you well. What might they have noticed about you that you've been a little too quick to overlook?
I still remember my grandfather's garden, those enormous stalks of rhubarb, and the pleasure he seemed to take in growing something worthwhile.
Funny what stays with you, isn't it?
A Conversation Worth Having
If this article has got you thinking about the kind of man you are, or the kind of man you'd like to become, perhaps that's something worth having a conversation about.
In my work with men, these are often the kinds of questions we explore together. Not because there's one particular way a man ought to be, but because each of us has our own ideas about what matters and how we'd like to live.
If you'd like to explore some of those questions for yourself, you're welcome to arrange a free introductory phone consultation. It gives us a chance to talk about what you're hoping for and whether working together might be a good fit.
Cheers, Simon
About the Author
Simon G. Niblock, MA, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Austin, Texas, with 15 years of psychotherapy experience.
Simon specializes in working with men and has a particular interest in how they navigate relationships, identity, emotional life, and the expectations associated with masculinity. His approach is collaborative, practical, and solution-focused, with an emphasis on understanding what matters to each person, what they hope will be different, and how their progress can be supported along the way.
Through his practice, Therapy for Men, Simon offers in-person and online psychotherapy, helping men explore new possibilities for themselves, their relationships, and the lives they want to lead.
References
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Dickens, L. R., & Robins, R. W. (2022). Pride: A meta-analytic project. Emotion, 22(5), 1071–1087. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000905
Joelson, R. B. (2018, June 6). Pride or boasting. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/moments-that-matter/201806/pride-or-boasting
Parker, H. (2020, December 4). The value of authentic pride. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-future-self/202012/the-value-authentic-pride
Tracy, J. L., Mercadante, E., & Hohm, I. (2023). Pride: The emotional foundation of social rank attainment. Annual Review of Psychology, 74, 519–545. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-psych-032720-040321
Van Osch, Y., Zeelenberg, M., & Breugelmans, S. M. (2018). The self and others in the experience of pride. Cognition and Emotion, 32(2), 404–413. https://doi.org/10.1080/02699931.2017.1290586
Weidman, A. C., Tracy, J. L., & Elliot, A. J. (2016). The benefits of following your pride: Authentic pride promotes achievement. Journal of Personality, 84(5), 607–622. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12184
Williams, L. A., & DeSteno, D. (2008). Pride and perseverance: The motivational role of pride. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(6), 1007–1017. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.94.6.1007
