The Silent Struggle: Why So Many Men Don't Talk About Their Feelings (And Why That Needs to Change)
Alright, let's say it…
Talking about feelings isn’t exactly something most guys are lining up to do.
If you asked a bunch of dudes to describe their emotions, half of them would pretend they didn’t hear you, and the other half would change the subject to something safe, like the NFL or what they grilled last weekend.
Here’s the deal, though. This emotional shutdown mode isn’t something that just "happened." It’s been taught, handed down like a pair of dad jeans, and reinforced in everything from Saturday morning cartoons to awkward high school gym class.
The clinical name for this emotional short-circuit.
Alexithymia
Let’s all say it together! Uh·lek·suh·thai·mee·uh
Sounds like a medieval curse, right?
But don’t worry, I’m not here to diagnose you. We’re here to talk like real people. So, let’s get into why this whole "bottling everything up" thing is so common, why it sucks, and what you can do about it - without feeling like you joined a drum circle.
So, What is Alexithymia Anyway?
Alright, picture this: you're sitting there, feeling something.
Annoyed? Anxious? Sad? Hangry?
Yet, when someone asks, "What’s going on?" all you can muster is a shoulder shrug and a "dunno."
That, my friend, is the alexithymia experience. When it comes to feelings, it’s like your brain's running Windows 95. Slow to load and constantly crashing.
You're not broken. You're not heartless. You didn't get the instruction manual on emotions. And if you're a guy, that's par for the course.
Why So Many Guys Keep Their Feelings on Mute
Let’s look at why it’s so common to dodge emotions like they’re small talk with a coworker in the office kitchen:
The Tough Guy Bootcamp: From toddlerhood, boys get told to suck it up. Fall down? Don’t cry. Scared? Hide it. By adulthood, emotions feel like contraband.
Hollywood Manliness: Most male role models in the media are emotionally constipated. James Bond doesn't cry, and John Wick doesn't journal. It's all smoldering stares and cold revenge.
Fear of Looking Soft: Somewhere along the line, showing emotion got linked with weakness. As if being honest about your feelings is somehow less "manly" than ghosting your own happiness.
No Blueprint: How would you know where to begin if no one ever showed you how to talk about emotions without sounding like you're reading from a self-help pamphlet?
What Happens When We Stuff It All Down
Spoiler: emotions don’t disappear just because you ignore them. They do what all repressed things do — get weird and come out sideways:
Mental Mayhem: Hello, anxiety. Hi there, random bursts of anger. Nice to meet you; depression I never saw coming.
Body Breakdown: Chronic stress isn't just a vibe; it's a health crisis. Your heart, blood pressure, and immune system are all in the splash zone.
Relationship Trouble: If you can’t say what you feel, people either fill in the blanks (usually wrong) or stop trying altogether.
The Loneliness Olympics: You can be surrounded by people and still feel like you're on an emotional desert island. That’s the real isolation.
You’re not broken.
You just never got the manual.
Learning to name what you feel isn’t weakness; it’s how you start writing a different story.
- Simon Niblock, LMFT
Okay, But Why Bother Talking About Feelings?
Because not talking about them isn't working. Being emotionally literate, which means understanding and expressing your feelings, doesn't mean you're about to start sobbing into herbal tea while hugging strangers.
Here’s what you do get:
Less Mental Clutter: Naming your feelings gives them a place to go. It's like emptying the spam folder in your brain.
Better Relationships: Want to actually connect with people? Try letting them in. It's less risky than it sounds.
More Brilliant Moves: Emotions are like your brain’s GPS. Ignore them, and you're lost in the woods with no signal.
Real-Deal Strength: Facing your emotions head-on? That's not a weakness. That's elite-level courage.
Be the Guy Who Gets It: When you're open, you give other guys permission to do the same. Suddenly, you're not just helping yourself; you're breaking the chain.
So, How Do You Start Without It Being Super Awkward?
Great question. Here’s the short version: start small. REAL small.
Grab a Feelings Wheel: It sounds corny, but it works wonders. A Feeling Wheel is a tool that categorizes emotions into more specific and Nuanced feelings. For example, instead of just feeling angry, you might realize you're actually feeling irritated, which can help you better understand and express your emotions.
Write Stuff Down: Five minutes. No grammar police. Just a quick brain dump of your day and how you actually felt.
Talk to a Trusted Person: It doesn't have to be deep. Just honest. "Man, today was rough. I'm not even sure why."
Try Therapy: It's not just for crises. Think of it like a tune-up for your brain.
Read Stuff That Speaks to You: Books like Terrence Real's "I Don't Want to Talk About It" hit hard because they come from people who've been there.
To All the Guys Reading This:
Listen, you don't have to be a philosopher or a poet. You need to be real.
You weren't taught this Stuff. That's not your fault. But staying stuck there? That's optional.
Start small. Start awkward. Just start.
Debrief and Digest:
Alexithymia might sound like some weird medieval affliction, but you never got the tools to talk about how you feel. Now you can.
You don’t have to go full Dr. Phil. You don’t have to write poetry by candlelight (unless you want to, in which case, go wild). You just have to try.
Say something. Anything. Even if it’s just, "Man, I feel weird today." That’s how this whole thing starts.
If you'd like some professional help finding the words, let's talk. I offer a free 20-minute phone consultation to help you explore what's possible. There is no pressure; it's just a chance to connect and see if working together feels right.
Cheers, Simon
About the Author:
Simon G. Niblock, MA, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Austin, Texas, focused on men's psychology, mental health, and wellness. With over a decade of clinical experience, he offers personalized psychotherapy services tailored to the unique needs of men. Simon combines his extensive training with personal insights from his own adventures, fostering a collaborative and supportive environment for his clients. His practice is dedicated to helping men navigate emotional distress, enhance their relationships, and unlock their full potential, ensuring they feel empowered and understood throughout the therapeutic process.
References:
Lane, R. D., & Schwartz, G. E. (1987). Levels of Emotional Awareness: A Cognitive-Developmental Theory and its Application to Psychopathology. American Journal of Psychiatry, 144(2), 133-143. https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.144.2.133
Levant, R. F. (1996). The New Psychology of Men. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 27(3), 259-265. https://doi.org/10.1037/0735-7028.27.3.259
Levant, R. F., & Pryor, S. (2025). Assessing and Treating Emotionally Inexpressive Men. Routledge. New York.
Mahalik, J. R., Burns, S. M., & Syzdek, M. (2007). Masculinity and Perceived Normative Health Behaviors as Predictors of Men's Health Behaviors. Social Science & Medicine, 64(11), 2201-2209. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.socscimed.2007.02.035
Taylor, G. J., Bagby, R. M., & Parker, J. D. A. (1997). Disorders of Affect Regulation: Alexithymia in medical and psychiatric illness. Cambridge University Press.
Disclaimer:
The content in this article is for informational purposes only. It does not replace direct professional mental health, medical treatment, or professional care in any way. Seek the support of a physician or other qualified healthcare provider to diagnose and treat any mental health concern directly. Contact 911 or your local emergency services number if you are experiencing a mental health emergency.
